Unraveling my Departure from CRM

There's been a lot going on in these months of blog silence, and it's finally time to open the doors and share recent developments.  It is a frustrating mess of God using CRM's failings to lead me to something new, so this is my attempt to explain - not to blame - not to gloss over - but to share the process as it unfolded.  

-Two years ago (Spring 2011): I was asked to lead Urban Mosaic.  I was floored and honored and excited to experiment and give it a shot.  I saw my role being that of bringing structure and focus to a wandering, poorly-defined team.  I jumped in and crafted vision and calling statements, thinking that with clarity would come teamwork.  

-Fall 2011: I finished directing the Global Urban Trek with Intervarsity in Lima.  That had been a significant source of structure for me over the past 5 years, giving an annual cycle and set of objectives that integrated well with my commitment to poor urban communities worldwide.  I planned to enter more exclusively into CRM and let my volunteered time with Intervarsity wane.  It seemed like God was pointing me to deeper local investment in San Diego.  

-Winter 2011/ Spring 2012:  I explicitly asked for more supervision from CRM.  I knew that I needed more direction and help in implementation.  Meanwhile, my financial support started to sag.  My leaders told me to focus on getting married, and we'd sort through team stuff later.  

I got married, and continued to flounder in way too much freedom to do "whatever."  I had plenty of coaching (fundraising, team building, and staff care), but no true supervisor-- no one setting objectives, strategies and markers with me.  When I asked repeatedly for help in figuring out what to do next, I was told to believe in my vision and "go for it."

-Summer - Fall 2012: staff conference and the death of multiple ministry initiatives.  Christian saw with me in Estes Park just how alone we were in our ChurchNEXT collective.  It was sobering and painful, but we still believed we were there to be contagious-- to affect other ministries with the witness of doing what we do in the city among the marginalized.  And then at the end of the summer, the few solid projects I had invested in fell apart due to church politics, weak volunteer leadership, and changing priorities.  Again, here I was with low funding, minimal supervision, and honestly not a lot to do from day to day.  I started asking (God and myself) if it really had to be this way.  I started praying and dreaming about where I might actually be more effective for the Kingdom, whether on another ministry team or in a completely different field.

And then I found out I was pregnant.  I felt that I was at a critical point in my conversations with my leaders, and that I needed to move the ball further before introducing pregnancy into the equation.  I didn't want the same delay that happened when I got married ("Just focus on this first, then we'll figure out the other stuff.").  But it was becoming clear that CRM leaders didn't have the bandwidth to actually LEAD in the way I needed.  I began to think a transition (either within CRM or leaving staff) was coming, but that the responsible thing to do would be to remain on staff until after having a baby and see what doors God might open.  After all, I had just gotten Christian added to my insurance policy in September.  We would make it work, so at least we would be insured.

A few weeks later (late October), I got a confusing staff budget email that mentioned a change in benefits eligibility.  I made desperate phone calls and met in person with my division leader that week.  There were few answers about the logistics of how the health insurance change would work, but it was clearly a quick and final decision: as of January 1, because of my low salary level, I would be designated a part-time employee, ineligible for benefits.  I made it clear to the organization's leaders that I understood their rationale, but not the failure to respectfully inform us of what was going on.  If there were truly just 6 of us who lost coverage, how hard was it to make a phone call?  They assumed that we would be fine and that we had other options.  And they assumed that it doesn't matter whether you're designated a full- or part-time employee.  They just decided that would be the patch for their screw-up (a very long story about employee health insurance eligibility), and that it would work for now.  They kept telling me they were "still working on it", but it was apparent that nothing was going to change enough for me to have affordable health coverage for having a baby (my "pre-existing condition").  We had almost no options, but God provided: I qualified for Medi-Cal, and Christian's new job would offer him health insurance starting in May.  

I don't want to skim over everything before the health insurance mess, because it was all part of leading up to my break with CRM.  Ironically, the policy change threw everything into sharp relief, but it wasn't necessarily new.  It just made it clear that it was no longer worth it.  I had long felt disrespected and somewhat overlooked/ left alone.  In 4 years no one ever visited my ministry context or offered hands-on evaluation of the things I worked on.  My leaders did not fight for me-- they said nice, encouraging things, but did not put up a fight on my behalf.  They failed to offer me the respect of even discussing with me a policy change that screwed my family.  Finally, they failed to take actions that would result in justice.  They chose to cut off from benefits those in the organization making the least amount of money.  I don't care if most of those people had already opted out of CRM insurance; in the bigger scheme of things it's just wrong.  

Any of that alone, I'd just deal with and fight through.  No organization is perfect.  But if I'm going to be an invested mother, a loving wife, and a servant of God in the city, I don't have time or energy for CRM's bullshit, and it was taking too much away from those priorities.  I should not have had to struggle that much to lead myself and figure out what to do.  I should have been able to trust that my leaders would look out for me and at least inform me of significant changes.  My decision to leave boiled down to broken trust, poor leadership, and unjust corporate decisions.  

On the upside, I feel greater freedom in the ways I'm living out my calling than I ever have.  Life is ministry/ ministry is life... so leaving CRM really is about the job and the paycheck at this point, and I know God has something better in store.  Forgiveness is a process: I have let go some of these wounds, while others still rankle.  But I have made my peace.  I realized that certain things about CRM will not change, which is a shame, and it means that it is not a place where I can continue to work.

If you have read this long treatise, you are clearly an invested partner!  I felt that you had the right to know this part of my story and rationale, because I hate it when endings are left hazy and unclear.  My four and a half years on staff were also full of opportunity, adventure, and growth, and I don't hesitate to say that the time was a gift.  Indeed, it probably required this level of disappointment to break off my relationship to CRM that was originally built on such fondness.  So the seasons change... with both grief and hope for what's to come.

Henri Nouwen on Mosaics

The Mosaic That Shows Us the Face of God 

A mosaic consists of thousands of little stones. Some are blue, some are green, some are yellow, some are gold. When we bring our faces close to the mosaic, we can admire the beauty of each stone. But as we step back from it, we can see that all these little stones reveal to us a beautiful picture, telling a story none of these stones can tell by itself. That is what our life in community is about. Each of us is like a little stone, but together we reveal the face of God to the world. Nobody can say: "I make God visible." But others who see us together can say: "They make God visible." Community is where humility and glory touch.     -Henri Nouwen 

Press for City Heights Runners

So proud to say these are my neighbors, my church family, and my friends! (Anybody in San Diego- come run! April 20.)

Thoughts on Sabbath in Lent

Such good points raised about productivity, purpose, and death.

Ministry Doings: Rethinking the Gospel

It's often difficult to put words around some of the things I work on with churches.  Even in its most tangible forms, it can be difficult to tell whether progress is really being made.  For example:

Last month I coordinated a training event with a leadership development team within the San Diego Presbytery.  Our theme for the day was "Rethinking the Gospel in a Changing World."  Our keynote speaker challenged those gathered:

The task of leadership is to facilitate spaces to dream, to cultivate a new imagination, and raise questions about what God is up to in our neighborhoods. It is not about attracting and entertaining, it is about serving, and equipping our people to serve and be the pastors to their networks of relationships. It is about learning to be the church outside of the church walls.     

(Read a longer summary of the speaker's remarks at our Presbytery Executive's blog.)

This was my third year to attend the event, and the second year in which I had a hand in planning the day's speakers and workshops.  Generally, I am very encouraged by the direction in which things are moving.  Just in these three years, the topics for teaching our presbytery's leaders have changed from "How to be an Elder or Deacon" to "Weaving the Fabric of Community in your Congregation."  That's huge!

(To translate why that is exciting for me: no longer are leadership roles simply viewed as positions to be filled, with requisite tasks and responsibilities, but there is a growing recognition that leaders in the church should be people who are active, adaptable followers of Jesus.  They need to know how to see God at work and how to encourage others more than they need to memorize Robert's Rules, for example.)

To boot, it's not just that we on the leadership team have decided this is important; we have actually seen a strong response in those who attend our annual training event.  They find freedom in attending workshops that challenge their ideas about the job of the church -- and their ideas about their role as a leader in it.  They are relieved to learn that other churches struggle with many of the same things they do, and they are eager to learn new ways of approaching what seemed like endless problems.  (Think budget, building, aging membership, etc.)  What we wanted our (mostly elderly) participants to realize was that God will make a way.  That way is not formulaic or one-size-fits-all; rather, it is adaptable, customized, and adventurous-- as it has always been in the history of God's people.

My biggest fear with this kind of event, where we have speakers and presenters offering insight into new ways of being the Body of Christ, is that attendees will listen and think, "Oh, that's nice, but I don't think it has anything to do with us.  So how do we use that Twitter thing to get more young people?"  I am relieved to hear that sort of reaction just a little less often these days.  As the world and the church changes, maybe that is how progress is made: just a little less of the questions that are beside the point and a little more of the questions that zero in on the miracles of God all around us.

In my own words: Acts 2:42-47

I finished writing that last blog and thought, well hmmm, what would I write?  Not in bitter criticism or blanket generalizations, but as an honest assessment of my own faith community.  Here's what I came up with:

They devoted themselves to staying informed and supporting good causes and ministries.  They ate hearty food when they gathered, and happily prayed in the time they could find for it.  Quite a few people asked them questions about what they were doing, and they struggled to explain it, even though they all believed it was a good [God] thing.  The whole group tried to be generous with one another and with their neighbors, but it raised lots of hard questions about personal boundaries and creating dependency.  Living on limited salaries (many of them raising support), they tried to be good stewards, trust God for provision, and share any extra resources.  Most of them crossed paths a few times a week, but their main gathering was a Sunday night dinner where they talked about how to be a dynamic community on mission together.  And they really hoped this would become a growing thing very soon.

Acts 2:42-47

I've been meaning to post this for awhile.  Acts 2 is sort of like the dreamboat passage of many of the passionate, Jesus-following people I've been around this past decade.  It shows us a glimpse of the early church in all its radical simplicity and gutsy demands.  During the fall, we studied this section with the UrbanLife high school group I've been helping to lead here on the west side of City Heights.  The students are a mix of teens, some without any church exposure and others well-grounded in their faith.  The passage was challenging - as it should be to just about anyone - but it also intrigued many of them.  Particularly the part about others' being drawn to the apostles' way of life.  Yet, what I really enjoyed from our study of the passage was a version re-written by a group of youth in Charlotte, NC.  They were asked to write what they'd seen Christians USUALLY look like, in comparison to the framework seen in Acts.  Here's what they said:

"They occasionally read the Bible (as long as someone remembered to bring one) and they hung out for a bit, and maybe said a quick prayer before they ate... or not.  Every so often a few of them vaguely sensed God's presence, but usually only on a retreat or if the worship band was really good.  Everyone had their own stuff, and unless an offering was taken, they cherished it and held onto it so they could trade it in for more and better stuff.  They met once a week (unless the weather was nice or they had something better to do or their boyfriend or girlfriend didn't want to go).  When they did get together, there was lots of gossip, drama, and in-fighting... and tons of texting.  Many people on the outside called them hypocrites.  Once in a while someone would accept Christ and maybe get baptized.  Their group basically stayed the same size, and they were OK with that."

Convicting, huh?

Here's the real version.

"All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper), and to prayer.  A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity— all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved."

There's always some defensiveness when the passage closes.  

Well, who says our group has to get bigger?

That's just not responsible/ sustainable/ smart to get rid of all your stuff.  How did that work out for their kids?

Where did they all fit together in one place?

We all know that "goodwill of all the people" thing didn't last long.  This was just a golden moment.

I'm not looking to re-create Acts 2, but I do hope that I could be part of something that gets close to the essence of the early church members who held things lightly, praised God, shared freely, and grew by the grace of God.

How would you write out the reality of the Church that you see?

And a Whirlwind of New Life

Clearly, it would not be good to leave things hanging too long with "Death" as the leading blog post.  :) Mostly, because that is not a full depiction of current reality.  You see, ever since things began to "fall apart" in the summer (see previous post), God has decisively inserted points of new life.  Because it would be ridiculous to put it anywhere else on the list, we'll start with...

OUR BABY!

27 weeks strong

While there are aspects of pregnancy that feel far from "life-giving," on the whole these last six months have been a lesson in patient cultivation.  For example, there were weeks when I no longer wanted to exercise: what was the point?  I hadn't felt comfortable running since the first trimester, I wasn't training toward any particular goals, and I was being saddled with new limitations (and pounds) with each passing month.  I could whine about it (and I did), but I also began to see it as a chance to try different things.  I've done water aerobics.  My yoga practice has shifted and deepened.  Last week it dawned on me that I could get my heart rate up by playing basketball-- score!  And this morning I noticed a hula hoop, picked it up, and spent longer spinning my hips than I have in decades.  Additionally, I've come to accept that while I can't say I'm training for another 10K or going up 30 pounds on power-lifts, I need to remember that I'm in training for birth!  I do my squats and try to keep my body in condition to move and breathe and share life with our growing little child.

In other words, I am prodded into new ways of living as I grow with our baby.  Sometimes it's fun and sometimes it's not, but there's no question that it is of God.  I am fascinated by the new kinds of conversations I have with total strangers, and Christian and I have been drawn into communities of parents, whether through friends, childbirth classes, or church.

CHRISTIAN'S NEW (SAME) JOB
On so many levels, we were blessed with a new life together when Christian accepted a promotion to work for his building's management company.  He still works at the front desk of a residential high-rise downtown, but he now works day-shift Monday through Friday.  We felt like giddy newlyweds this winter as we spent our first "real" (Saturday-Sunday) weekend together and got accustomed to joint dinners.  (This in contrast to his working swing and day shifts Sunday through Thursday nights.)  Christian has been encouraged and affirmed by his co-workers and the building's residents, and it has been refreshing to work for a smaller, better-run company.

CITY HEIGHTS CHURCH COMMUNITY
We don't have a name or a building or anything especially snazzy going for us, but there's something very peaceful about being the Body of Christ in our neighborhood in an evolving, organic way.  It's about a dozen people in a living room on a Sunday evening.  We are all passionate about God's work of love, grace and justice in our midst and we are learning how to pursue that together.  For now, that is enough.  There is prayer and hope and centering in worship of God while attending to the practicalities of real life.  That is new and very very good for me.

BUT WHAT ABOUT URBAN MINISTRY?
If you're a ministry supporter, follower, or friend, I would expect you to be asking precisely that!  That is next up on the blog list, so stay tuned...