Unraveling my Departure from CRM

There's been a lot going on in these months of blog silence, and it's finally time to open the doors and share recent developments.  It is a frustrating mess of God using CRM's failings to lead me to something new, so this is my attempt to explain - not to blame - not to gloss over - but to share the process as it unfolded.  

-Two years ago (Spring 2011): I was asked to lead Urban Mosaic.  I was floored and honored and excited to experiment and give it a shot.  I saw my role being that of bringing structure and focus to a wandering, poorly-defined team.  I jumped in and crafted vision and calling statements, thinking that with clarity would come teamwork.  

-Fall 2011: I finished directing the Global Urban Trek with Intervarsity in Lima.  That had been a significant source of structure for me over the past 5 years, giving an annual cycle and set of objectives that integrated well with my commitment to poor urban communities worldwide.  I planned to enter more exclusively into CRM and let my volunteered time with Intervarsity wane.  It seemed like God was pointing me to deeper local investment in San Diego.  

-Winter 2011/ Spring 2012:  I explicitly asked for more supervision from CRM.  I knew that I needed more direction and help in implementation.  Meanwhile, my financial support started to sag.  My leaders told me to focus on getting married, and we'd sort through team stuff later.  

I got married, and continued to flounder in way too much freedom to do "whatever."  I had plenty of coaching (fundraising, team building, and staff care), but no true supervisor-- no one setting objectives, strategies and markers with me.  When I asked repeatedly for help in figuring out what to do next, I was told to believe in my vision and "go for it."

-Summer - Fall 2012: staff conference and the death of multiple ministry initiatives.  Christian saw with me in Estes Park just how alone we were in our ChurchNEXT collective.  It was sobering and painful, but we still believed we were there to be contagious-- to affect other ministries with the witness of doing what we do in the city among the marginalized.  And then at the end of the summer, the few solid projects I had invested in fell apart due to church politics, weak volunteer leadership, and changing priorities.  Again, here I was with low funding, minimal supervision, and honestly not a lot to do from day to day.  I started asking (God and myself) if it really had to be this way.  I started praying and dreaming about where I might actually be more effective for the Kingdom, whether on another ministry team or in a completely different field.

And then I found out I was pregnant.  I felt that I was at a critical point in my conversations with my leaders, and that I needed to move the ball further before introducing pregnancy into the equation.  I didn't want the same delay that happened when I got married ("Just focus on this first, then we'll figure out the other stuff.").  But it was becoming clear that CRM leaders didn't have the bandwidth to actually LEAD in the way I needed.  I began to think a transition (either within CRM or leaving staff) was coming, but that the responsible thing to do would be to remain on staff until after having a baby and see what doors God might open.  After all, I had just gotten Christian added to my insurance policy in September.  We would make it work, so at least we would be insured.

A few weeks later (late October), I got a confusing staff budget email that mentioned a change in benefits eligibility.  I made desperate phone calls and met in person with my division leader that week.  There were few answers about the logistics of how the health insurance change would work, but it was clearly a quick and final decision: as of January 1, because of my low salary level, I would be designated a part-time employee, ineligible for benefits.  I made it clear to the organization's leaders that I understood their rationale, but not the failure to respectfully inform us of what was going on.  If there were truly just 6 of us who lost coverage, how hard was it to make a phone call?  They assumed that we would be fine and that we had other options.  And they assumed that it doesn't matter whether you're designated a full- or part-time employee.  They just decided that would be the patch for their screw-up (a very long story about employee health insurance eligibility), and that it would work for now.  They kept telling me they were "still working on it", but it was apparent that nothing was going to change enough for me to have affordable health coverage for having a baby (my "pre-existing condition").  We had almost no options, but God provided: I qualified for Medi-Cal, and Christian's new job would offer him health insurance starting in May.  

I don't want to skim over everything before the health insurance mess, because it was all part of leading up to my break with CRM.  Ironically, the policy change threw everything into sharp relief, but it wasn't necessarily new.  It just made it clear that it was no longer worth it.  I had long felt disrespected and somewhat overlooked/ left alone.  In 4 years no one ever visited my ministry context or offered hands-on evaluation of the things I worked on.  My leaders did not fight for me-- they said nice, encouraging things, but did not put up a fight on my behalf.  They failed to offer me the respect of even discussing with me a policy change that screwed my family.  Finally, they failed to take actions that would result in justice.  They chose to cut off from benefits those in the organization making the least amount of money.  I don't care if most of those people had already opted out of CRM insurance; in the bigger scheme of things it's just wrong.  

Any of that alone, I'd just deal with and fight through.  No organization is perfect.  But if I'm going to be an invested mother, a loving wife, and a servant of God in the city, I don't have time or energy for CRM's bullshit, and it was taking too much away from those priorities.  I should not have had to struggle that much to lead myself and figure out what to do.  I should have been able to trust that my leaders would look out for me and at least inform me of significant changes.  My decision to leave boiled down to broken trust, poor leadership, and unjust corporate decisions.  

On the upside, I feel greater freedom in the ways I'm living out my calling than I ever have.  Life is ministry/ ministry is life... so leaving CRM really is about the job and the paycheck at this point, and I know God has something better in store.  Forgiveness is a process: I have let go some of these wounds, while others still rankle.  But I have made my peace.  I realized that certain things about CRM will not change, which is a shame, and it means that it is not a place where I can continue to work.

If you have read this long treatise, you are clearly an invested partner!  I felt that you had the right to know this part of my story and rationale, because I hate it when endings are left hazy and unclear.  My four and a half years on staff were also full of opportunity, adventure, and growth, and I don't hesitate to say that the time was a gift.  Indeed, it probably required this level of disappointment to break off my relationship to CRM that was originally built on such fondness.  So the seasons change... with both grief and hope for what's to come.

Henri Nouwen on Mosaics

The Mosaic That Shows Us the Face of God 

A mosaic consists of thousands of little stones. Some are blue, some are green, some are yellow, some are gold. When we bring our faces close to the mosaic, we can admire the beauty of each stone. But as we step back from it, we can see that all these little stones reveal to us a beautiful picture, telling a story none of these stones can tell by itself. That is what our life in community is about. Each of us is like a little stone, but together we reveal the face of God to the world. Nobody can say: "I make God visible." But others who see us together can say: "They make God visible." Community is where humility and glory touch.     -Henri Nouwen 

Press for City Heights Runners

So proud to say these are my neighbors, my church family, and my friends! (Anybody in San Diego- come run! April 20.)

Thoughts on Sabbath in Lent

Such good points raised about productivity, purpose, and death.

Ministry Doings: Rethinking the Gospel

It's often difficult to put words around some of the things I work on with churches.  Even in its most tangible forms, it can be difficult to tell whether progress is really being made.  For example:

Last month I coordinated a training event with a leadership development team within the San Diego Presbytery.  Our theme for the day was "Rethinking the Gospel in a Changing World."  Our keynote speaker challenged those gathered:

The task of leadership is to facilitate spaces to dream, to cultivate a new imagination, and raise questions about what God is up to in our neighborhoods. It is not about attracting and entertaining, it is about serving, and equipping our people to serve and be the pastors to their networks of relationships. It is about learning to be the church outside of the church walls.     

(Read a longer summary of the speaker's remarks at our Presbytery Executive's blog.)

This was my third year to attend the event, and the second year in which I had a hand in planning the day's speakers and workshops.  Generally, I am very encouraged by the direction in which things are moving.  Just in these three years, the topics for teaching our presbytery's leaders have changed from "How to be an Elder or Deacon" to "Weaving the Fabric of Community in your Congregation."  That's huge!

(To translate why that is exciting for me: no longer are leadership roles simply viewed as positions to be filled, with requisite tasks and responsibilities, but there is a growing recognition that leaders in the church should be people who are active, adaptable followers of Jesus.  They need to know how to see God at work and how to encourage others more than they need to memorize Robert's Rules, for example.)

To boot, it's not just that we on the leadership team have decided this is important; we have actually seen a strong response in those who attend our annual training event.  They find freedom in attending workshops that challenge their ideas about the job of the church -- and their ideas about their role as a leader in it.  They are relieved to learn that other churches struggle with many of the same things they do, and they are eager to learn new ways of approaching what seemed like endless problems.  (Think budget, building, aging membership, etc.)  What we wanted our (mostly elderly) participants to realize was that God will make a way.  That way is not formulaic or one-size-fits-all; rather, it is adaptable, customized, and adventurous-- as it has always been in the history of God's people.

My biggest fear with this kind of event, where we have speakers and presenters offering insight into new ways of being the Body of Christ, is that attendees will listen and think, "Oh, that's nice, but I don't think it has anything to do with us.  So how do we use that Twitter thing to get more young people?"  I am relieved to hear that sort of reaction just a little less often these days.  As the world and the church changes, maybe that is how progress is made: just a little less of the questions that are beside the point and a little more of the questions that zero in on the miracles of God all around us.

In my own words: Acts 2:42-47

I finished writing that last blog and thought, well hmmm, what would I write?  Not in bitter criticism or blanket generalizations, but as an honest assessment of my own faith community.  Here's what I came up with:

They devoted themselves to staying informed and supporting good causes and ministries.  They ate hearty food when they gathered, and happily prayed in the time they could find for it.  Quite a few people asked them questions about what they were doing, and they struggled to explain it, even though they all believed it was a good [God] thing.  The whole group tried to be generous with one another and with their neighbors, but it raised lots of hard questions about personal boundaries and creating dependency.  Living on limited salaries (many of them raising support), they tried to be good stewards, trust God for provision, and share any extra resources.  Most of them crossed paths a few times a week, but their main gathering was a Sunday night dinner where they talked about how to be a dynamic community on mission together.  And they really hoped this would become a growing thing very soon.

Acts 2:42-47

I've been meaning to post this for awhile.  Acts 2 is sort of like the dreamboat passage of many of the passionate, Jesus-following people I've been around this past decade.  It shows us a glimpse of the early church in all its radical simplicity and gutsy demands.  During the fall, we studied this section with the UrbanLife high school group I've been helping to lead here on the west side of City Heights.  The students are a mix of teens, some without any church exposure and others well-grounded in their faith.  The passage was challenging - as it should be to just about anyone - but it also intrigued many of them.  Particularly the part about others' being drawn to the apostles' way of life.  Yet, what I really enjoyed from our study of the passage was a version re-written by a group of youth in Charlotte, NC.  They were asked to write what they'd seen Christians USUALLY look like, in comparison to the framework seen in Acts.  Here's what they said:

"They occasionally read the Bible (as long as someone remembered to bring one) and they hung out for a bit, and maybe said a quick prayer before they ate... or not.  Every so often a few of them vaguely sensed God's presence, but usually only on a retreat or if the worship band was really good.  Everyone had their own stuff, and unless an offering was taken, they cherished it and held onto it so they could trade it in for more and better stuff.  They met once a week (unless the weather was nice or they had something better to do or their boyfriend or girlfriend didn't want to go).  When they did get together, there was lots of gossip, drama, and in-fighting... and tons of texting.  Many people on the outside called them hypocrites.  Once in a while someone would accept Christ and maybe get baptized.  Their group basically stayed the same size, and they were OK with that."

Convicting, huh?

Here's the real version.

"All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper), and to prayer.  A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity— all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved."

There's always some defensiveness when the passage closes.  

Well, who says our group has to get bigger?

That's just not responsible/ sustainable/ smart to get rid of all your stuff.  How did that work out for their kids?

Where did they all fit together in one place?

We all know that "goodwill of all the people" thing didn't last long.  This was just a golden moment.

I'm not looking to re-create Acts 2, but I do hope that I could be part of something that gets close to the essence of the early church members who held things lightly, praised God, shared freely, and grew by the grace of God.

How would you write out the reality of the Church that you see?

And a Whirlwind of New Life

Clearly, it would not be good to leave things hanging too long with "Death" as the leading blog post.  :) Mostly, because that is not a full depiction of current reality.  You see, ever since things began to "fall apart" in the summer (see previous post), God has decisively inserted points of new life.  Because it would be ridiculous to put it anywhere else on the list, we'll start with...

OUR BABY!

27 weeks strong

While there are aspects of pregnancy that feel far from "life-giving," on the whole these last six months have been a lesson in patient cultivation.  For example, there were weeks when I no longer wanted to exercise: what was the point?  I hadn't felt comfortable running since the first trimester, I wasn't training toward any particular goals, and I was being saddled with new limitations (and pounds) with each passing month.  I could whine about it (and I did), but I also began to see it as a chance to try different things.  I've done water aerobics.  My yoga practice has shifted and deepened.  Last week it dawned on me that I could get my heart rate up by playing basketball-- score!  And this morning I noticed a hula hoop, picked it up, and spent longer spinning my hips than I have in decades.  Additionally, I've come to accept that while I can't say I'm training for another 10K or going up 30 pounds on power-lifts, I need to remember that I'm in training for birth!  I do my squats and try to keep my body in condition to move and breathe and share life with our growing little child.

In other words, I am prodded into new ways of living as I grow with our baby.  Sometimes it's fun and sometimes it's not, but there's no question that it is of God.  I am fascinated by the new kinds of conversations I have with total strangers, and Christian and I have been drawn into communities of parents, whether through friends, childbirth classes, or church.

CHRISTIAN'S NEW (SAME) JOB
On so many levels, we were blessed with a new life together when Christian accepted a promotion to work for his building's management company.  He still works at the front desk of a residential high-rise downtown, but he now works day-shift Monday through Friday.  We felt like giddy newlyweds this winter as we spent our first "real" (Saturday-Sunday) weekend together and got accustomed to joint dinners.  (This in contrast to his working swing and day shifts Sunday through Thursday nights.)  Christian has been encouraged and affirmed by his co-workers and the building's residents, and it has been refreshing to work for a smaller, better-run company.

CITY HEIGHTS CHURCH COMMUNITY
We don't have a name or a building or anything especially snazzy going for us, but there's something very peaceful about being the Body of Christ in our neighborhood in an evolving, organic way.  It's about a dozen people in a living room on a Sunday evening.  We are all passionate about God's work of love, grace and justice in our midst and we are learning how to pursue that together.  For now, that is enough.  There is prayer and hope and centering in worship of God while attending to the practicalities of real life.  That is new and very very good for me.

BUT WHAT ABOUT URBAN MINISTRY?
If you're a ministry supporter, follower, or friend, I would expect you to be asking precisely that!  That is next up on the blog list, so stay tuned...

Year-End Updates

In case you missed it, here's the Urban Mosaic 2012 Wrap-Up Newsletter!

Ministry Death

“Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal.

John 12:24-25 

One of the reasons it has been difficult to blog these past few months is the scale on which things have NOT gone according to plan.  I kept working, hoping, stubbornly watching for breakthrough-- for the cascade of flailing ministry opportunities to get itself in order.  But it didn't.  Instead, weeks passed when people did not return my phone calls or emails.  Teams did not get finalized or even assembled.  Initiatives fell flat where I had most hoped for influence and forward movement.

What was particularly strange was the steady knowledge that this was the Lord's doing.  I knew that only God could have lined up the all-star plan I thought was in place at mid-summer.  I was excited about what a perfect fit many of the projects were for me and for those with whom I connected.  Yet, much like the Holy Spirit prevented Paul and Timothy from certain missions (Acts 16:6-7), I felt that God was also the one blocking this work from me.  I tried to get around it but couldn't.  It felt like God was killing what I loved.

In recent years, I have loved my work.  Probably too much.  It is a great thing to enjoy what you do - and a tremendous privilege - but oh how easily some of us turn it into an idol.  Things get especially dicey when we get wound up in "doing God's work," and it becomes this thing that we think we have some kind of control over.

Ack, I really like control.  And that, sadly, is a sticking point when it comes to actually following Jesus and dying to self.  In the months of confused processing and trying to figure out what to do (keep trying harder? look elsewhere? look busy?), I kept running into the story of Jesus at the death of Lazarus.  At first I just grumbled about it: "What, God?  You want me to be like Mary and Martha and affirm that I still believe in Jesus even when things are hard?"  So I would pray for more faith (help my unbelief).  But then, my wonderful spiritual director made a stunning point that changed my focus in that Bible story.  What if, in that shortest verse in the Bible, God wanted us to know that it is okay to mourn death?  It is okay to be sad, to grieve, to be human.  Even the son of God, who KNEW what he was going to do (raise his friend from the dead), needed to weep, because the loss was real.

Losing the sense of direction and progress in the ministry I've been doing has been devastating.  I know that sounds silly, but the grief is real.  Admitting my sadness and mourning did me a lot more good than trying to cheer myself up with a forced hope of resurrection.  So whether it's a person, a project, or even an idea, Jesus weeps with us in the face of death.  Weeping does not mean it is the end; it just means that it hurts.

Weep, and water the seeds that God buries in your life.  When they sprout and produce fruit (as we trust they will), it doesn't negate the pain of separation and burial, but at least it reminds us that God brings new life out of death.  Death never has the final word with God.

Perspectives on City Dwelling

I ran across this article a few days ago--
Why I Moved Back to the Suburbs
-- an interesting take from a woman who transitioned from dense city-dwelling into suburban London.  She writes,

I’m pleased to be gone because, despite all the hype about their supposed edginess and creative ferment, I find fashionable inner city neighborhoods increasingly as banal, antisocial and plain dull as any suburb. For all their reputation as hives of individuality, neighborhoods like my own city’s Broadway Market offer almost identical businesses to those you’d find in currently hip city neighborhoods anywhere.  While the base materials (streets and houses) may be different in, say, NYC’s Greenpoint, Berlin’s Neukölln, or Madrid’s Malasaña, the trappings of gentrification – expensive coffee and bike shops, junk sold at a premium as “vintage” and, soon after, bitterly resented chain outlets – make these places seem increasingly homogenous. 

This touches on a tension felt by many of us "urban missionaries."  It's part of the ongoing conversation especially among New Monastics, who 1) often live in cities and 2) are characterized by "Relocation to the abandoned places of Empire" (one of the 12 "marks," or distinctives of the movement).  Part of what makes the conversation tricky is that the movement stepped up to face the data and realities coming out of the late twentieth century.  White flight was a visible reality in most American cities at that point.  City cores were precisely the types of places that had been built and then abandoned by Empire.  For people to choose to live in the city was a radical decision.

I have seen this change dramatically, even in the 10 years since I began college.  Urban renewal has actually taken place, making downtowns attractive - and expensive - places to live.  The building boom vastly expanded housing options with condos and high-rise apartments.  And even outside of downtown, urban areas have become attractive places to live.  With higher gas prices, people wanted to shorten their commutes.  When real estate prices dropped, city housing became more affordable (well, somewhat).  In other words, it becomes more difficult to make the case that missionaries are going into a hard, harrowing, unattractive setting by living in many American cities.  In fact, they may even seem to be like all those other people who think that urban areas are cool/ creative/ invigorating/ (insert adjective here).

I will confess that sometimes I have been sure to emphasize that our neighborhood isn't one of the cool, trendy ones.  Even last night at church, we met someone and when she heard where we lived, she said, "Oh yeah there are such great restaurants there!" No, no, I thought to myself, you are thinking of another part of town, not far away, but very different.

But before I get way off track, that's not the point.  My point is, I'm learning God does not just call us to the abandoned places -- no more than God calls us exclusively to the "hip" places.  God calls us to care for all His places.  As a result, I really don't have anything to prove about why I live where I live.  I do like it.  I do benefit from it.  I do believe that my neighbors are some of the world's down-and-out, marginalized and ignored.  But I can't kid myself into ignoring that I'm also living and commuting alongside up-and-comers.  I'm in a beautiful, wealthy, tropical city that is by no means "abandoned."  Whether homogeneous or creative, trendy or sketchy, there is no hierarchy of ministry locations.  God's love is needed everywhere.  Now, I can seriously vouch for some areas more than others, =) but that's me speaking.  Not the God of the universe.

So move where God takes you -- let God take you places.  And by all means proclaim the Good News of God's Kingdom, needed in every place, people, and time.

Vision Enhanced: God's Kingdom

... for the building of God's kingdom in the city.

This is the "why."  Why I do all of those other things.  Why I do stuff that sometimes feels mundane.  Why I ask others to take steps on this divine adventure with me.

It is because I believe that God's Kingdom is a really good thing.  I believe it is so much better than anything we imagine or strategize for ourselves.  And I believe it is the worthy purpose behind the holistic development of leaders.  The fact is that we aren't guiding people into the fullness of following Jesus if they aren't actively engaged in the growth of God's kingdom.

Plenty of people (Dallas Williard, Tim Keller, many others) have written really wonderful things about God's kingdom, and I heartily encourage you to study up-- at the very least looking at Jesus' own references to the kingdom of God in the Bible. In the very simplest terms, the kingdom of God describes a place where God is king.  It's where things go the way that God says they should.  It is where there is no power or priority above God himself.  The other characteristic that stands out from Jesus' metaphors is that it is a place that's kind of quirky.  He compares it to mustard seed and to farmwork (Mark 4), and he says that prostitutes and tax collectors get in more easily than rich folks (Matthew 19 & 21).  It is not an easy thing to capture or imagine.  At least, not until we experience it.

Where do I experience it in the city?  I see God's kingdom being built when young adults in low-income neighborhoods see that they have something to offer as leaders and mentors to others.  I experience the kingdom when someone steps out and serves in a way that is unique and beautiful to them.  It happens when a church invites its members to walk and pray with God's heart and eyes for their neighborhood.  It happens when a guest at the soup kitchen connects with another human-- whether through a compliment, talking about a shared hobby, or eating a meal together.

I want to see more of those things.  I want less of our kingdoms-- our outcomes -- our strategic plans -- our consultations and trainings even-- and more of God doing the unexpected, quirky, growing, nurturing stuff that happens when he gets to reign and rule in our lives.

Thanks for joining me in unpacking these loaded phrases!  It's been good for me to be regularly reminded of the depth of the work to which I am called.  Hopefully with this as background, stories of ongoing first-hand ministry will make more sense.  I hope to use this as a framework that moves me and our team forward in the months and years to come.  Keep ya posted!

When "out in the world" and "in worship" are the same place

A few weeks ago, I read a devotional that irked me.  It was by a pastor whom I know personally and respect greatly.  However, it left me indignant and angry.  Deeply engaged in urban ministry, he implied that Sunday morning worship is something apart from our time out ministering in a needy world, and he directly wrote of an "out there" (life) and "in here" (sanctuary) dichotomy.

Don't get me wrong: I certainly understand the desire for such a separation.  There are plenty of days when I daydream about a place to worship without human smells or interruptions or assumptions about what I can do to help somebody else.  But isn't that what the Pharisees of Jesus' day had done?  They had made worship and holy practice a means of cutting out the world.  Yet what did Jesus do in response?  He healed people on the day he was just supposed to be contemplating God.  He smashed worship into the life of the real world.  (Or was it vice versa?)  Jesus drew near to God in all times and places, not just in a set-aside place and appointed time.

God's powerful presence is intended for everywhere.  It is for the sanctuary and the prayer meeting.  It is also for the pick-up line and the grocery aisle and the rows of corn.  It is for schools, streets, and sidewalks.  Worship is not just a nice place to kick back and enjoy something pleasantly set apart from our daily lives.  In fact, the prophets warn of God's strong aversion to such a dichotomy:

I, the Lord, hate and despise

your religious celebrations

    and your times of worship.

Amos 5:21

(The context is that Israel is not living in the way of the Lord, blatantly perpetuating injustice right and left, yet they expect their worship and offerings to still please God.  The radical, unique thing about the God of Israel is that he looks at the whole lives of his people, not just one aspect of their behavior.)

So I don't think God is interested in things (or people) being all nice and tidy for a weekly time of worship.  And I don't think that God intends for us to use that time to "armor up" and then go out into the world.  I believe that God invites us to live lives of worship - honoring God with awe, respect, and great humility in all that we do.  I believe that the world needs people who serve "the least of these" in a spirit of worship, knowing that God loves far longer, better, and deeper than we can.  I believe that we need to bring our whole selves and whole lives into the sanctuary with us.  When we check those at the door, we pretend that God doesn't need, accept, or use certain parts of us.

That's my rant.  Real worship is not neat or tidy, no more than any aspect of life, service, or our relationships with God and with others can be tidied up.  Worship was not designed to make you feel nice and peaceful.  (Okay, at a lot of churches it is designed for exactly that purpose.  But that was not God's design!)  Finally, worship is not something "safe!"  It's the almighty God we're talking about!  Things happen when God shows up-- we are changed, challenged, renewed, restored, healed, and so much more.  Worship is a great and wonderful thing, but part of what makes it wonderful is that meeting of God's reality and our reality.  Until Jesus comes back, we're part of BOTH, not one or the other.

Plan to see this movie!

Unconditional Trailer from Harbinger Media Partners on Vimeo.

I don't plug movies very often, but I got to attend a pre-screening of Unconditional, and it was very, very good.  I hope to see it again, and I will encourage anyone I know to see it as well.  The "God stuff" is solid, not cheesy, and not too heavy-handed.  It is a powerful story that asks good questions and resists easy answers.  Please share with others!

I also appreciate its clear call to action.  The movie (makers) will offer a direct link to local nonprofits and ministries serving in at-risk communities.  So if you're in that category, check it out and get signed up as a recommended organization.

"Love is the most powerful thing on earth.  I have seen what it can do, and it can do amazing things."

Vision Enhanced: So that Leaders...

...so that leaders are 

shaped,

sent,

supported

and

sustained

I want to deal with the question of purpose.  When I wrote this vision statement, I wanted to be very clear that I'm not just connecting people for fun.  It's not about the connection in itself.  The things that I am doing are meant for the holistic development of leaders.  Not just launching them.  Not just taking care of them when they're in the field.  The whole trajectory of leadership must be affected by reconciled relationships.

Leaders are shaped when they are taught by a variety of voices.  When I spoke to a group of high school interns a couple of weeks ago, I believed that my perspective was valuable to them.  I come with experiences downtown and in other parts of San Diego and the world.  I come with friendships that include the interns' staff team, their pastors, and some of the people who will be their classmates if they attend the local community college.  It's not just young people who need shaping, though.  Leaders are shaped throughout their lives-- particularly by relationships, and perhaps most of all by unique perspectives.

Sometimes, it's obvious that you need a bridge to send a person somewhere.  He or she may be marooned in a closed-loop of possibilities, whether by choice or circumstance.  Jesus calls his followers "sent ones" (apostles), but hometown/ home church/ home couch inertia can be strong.  Not enough people are being sent.  I'm not just talking about overseas missionaries.  Even more than that, I see a shortage of women and men being sent across an aisle or across the street.  We encourage more attending than sending, and leadership atrophies as a result.

Support and sustain are not synonyms in this context.  Strong relationships of love and trust are needed for both, but they refer to distinct outcomes.  It is my desire to support leaders in the thick of God's mission.  Moments of crisis, frustration, and uncertainty call for support, encouragement and renewed vision.  Even at a young age, I've seen enough tired leadership to quickly pick up on their pain, which often stems from isolation.  Sustaining a leader has in mind the long haul.  Friendship, counsel, and gentle reinforcement-- bring in the things that keep them going.

I should note that in fact, "Jesus" is the answer to all of these parts of a leader's holistic development.  Jesus is the first answer.  I hope that I point leaders to Jesus throughout their lives.  And I pray that Jesus remains the motivation and the model for shaping, sending, supporting and sustaining those leaders.  May my life, connections and friendships be at God's disposal for the building of his Kingdom.

Guest Post: Christian on Discipleship

Now that I am officially a support staff member for Laura, I thought it might be fitting to give her a break from writing one of these and offer my perspective as to what God is teaching not just me, but both of us.  

Laura and I recently were able to go to our bi-yearly staff conference for CRM in Estes Park, CO.  Here we were able to not only connect with awesome staff members and their spouses, but we also were able to deepen our faith, relax in Papa’s beautiful outdoors, and be challenged and encouraged in our ministries.  The topic of the conference was discipleship.  This word has been thrown around a lot because discipleship has become the “in" thing to do, a new fad throughout the Church realm.  While some of the talking points and sessions were not to my taste, there were significant results from the conference because it got both Laura and I thinking about what discipleship truly is, what God thinks of it, and how can we incorporate it into our ministry-- not just because it’s the cool thing to do, but because we truly desire to see others come to know and understand the Almighty God we know and love.  

So what does it really mean to be a disciple myself?  I mean, how can I expect to disciple someone if I’m not being a good disciple myself?  As I was mulling over this question, one of my favorite powerhouse Christian heroes explained it well.  Oswald Chambers in his book, My Utmost for His Highest, states that to be a disciple, one’s “motives must be so pure that God Almighty can see nothing to rebuke. Who can stand in the eternal light of God and have nothing for Him to rebuke? Only the Son of God, and Jesus Christ claims that through His redemption He can place within anyone His own nature and make that person as pure and as simple as a child.”  Oh, okay… that’s all.  No problem.  I got that down...  Not really.  Not even close.  How often I fail to come close to this!  Daily I make my faith, my beliefs, my trust in God so complicated, and yet all He asks of us is to believe as a little child does.  All this isn’t supposed to be complicated.  It’s simple; at least it’s supposed to be.  Oswald goes on to say, “The purity that God demands is impossible unless I can be remade within.”  

Discipleship starts with me-- my inside.  Until I have experienced the mighty, wonderful, redemptive work and enlightenment of God’s love I cannot begin to disciple others.  God’s love is what changes people.  The fact that I have a great five step program to make someone holy is nothing compared to what the realization and understanding of God’s love can do in, through, and to someone.  We should be so moved by God’s love and compassion that we can’t help but want to disciple others and bring them to know the awesomeness of God and His love.  If we are motivated by anything else, our efforts miss the reason for the gospel… We miss the point.  If we miss the point then we are no better than the Pharisees and the scribes.  

In all things, be moved by the compassion that comes from God’s own heart.  Be moved to act not because of selfish reasons or guilt, but because your heart breaks or is fired up to see others impacted by the wonderfulness of our God.  That should be our driving force.  Nothing else.  

Till next time,

Christian

Back from Staff Conference

ChurchNEXT staff gathered in Estes Park, Colorado

Last week kept me busy (and away from the blog) as I joined nearly 100 other CRM staff members in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado.  With teams scattered around the world, our organization makes it a priority to get us in the same place every two years-- we have a worldwide conference for everyone in 4-year intervals, and in between, we meet in our respective collectives.  (Some of you remember that 2 years ago, I attended the worldwide conference in Malaysia, and I'm very much looking forward to the next one -2014- being in the Yucatan Peninsula!)

ChurchNext is the particular division where I have hung my hat with our Urban Mosaic team.  There aren't many young people in our tribe, and until last month, I was the only female team leader.  People often ask if I wouldn't fit better in one of the other areas-- perhaps with InnerChange's work among the poor, or Ethne's cross-cultural focus.  However, I believe I'm in exactly the right place.  My ChurchNext-mates are some of the most skilled, driven, excellent practitioners in the field of ministry among church leaders.  In all the imperfection of the Church, we have chosen to love and nurture and seek God's will alongside her.  I like the way our CRM president, Sam Metcalf, put it in his words to us at the conference: "We can't ignore what is for the sake of what needs to be."  While few of us would deny that the Church must face significant change in the coming years, we also have a commitment to walking through it with her.

Please join me in hoping and praying for the fresh wind of the Spirit in God's Church.  We spent our time together in Colorado remembering that the "normal" life Jesus called us into is a disciple-making life.  I'll plan to pen some reflective thoughts on that theme in the week to come!

Vision Enhanced: My Life as a Bridge

I offer my life as a bridge between diverse people and places...

It was in college that I was first introduced to the concept of being a "bridge person."  We initially talked about it in the context of racial reconciliation, where there is a tremendous need for people who can see from multiple perspectives.  Without individuals who can serve as bridges, you would simply end up with segregated groups unable to have a conversation-- usually because white people got indignant and/ or confused when Blacks, Latinos, or Asian Americans expressed pain or hardship.  You needed people who could process the pain and interpret it for others.  You needed people who could translate confusion, anger, fear and a whole host of loaded emotions without getting caught up in them.  I came to realize that I am one of those people.

For there to be reconciliation, there has to be a place where people can meet, with their differences.  Yes, we can be idealistic and say that as brothers and sisters in Christ, we meet at the cross or in the presence of God -- but in reality we know that is rarely true.  People from different economic classes will most likely not go to the same sanctuary.  People with slightly different doctrines on eschatology don't even share prayer meetings.  Rather, we meet through relationship.  We meet by introduction and happenstance and by paths that cross unexpectedly.


I offer my life as a place where people meet.  I don't plan it or orchestrate it (most of the time), but I offer it, should God choose to use it in that way for His good.  I intentionally know lots of people-- lots of different people-- and I hope and pray that they know come to know each other in ways that look like God's kingdom coming.  Jesus ate with tax collectors, had his feet washed by sinners, touched unclean people, and talked with poor outsiders-- and he gave many of them a chance to know one another.  I could hammer the point from my previous "Vision" post-- Jesus created one new humanity.  No long in or out, holy or unclean, there was just in Jesus - a new creation.


I certainly tread carefully here.  I don't want to get confused and think that I am the one thing, the important thing, or the reconciling thing in the equation.  I am not Jesus.  But I do follow in the way of Jesus.  I offer my life for the things that will bring glory to God, and one of my greatest hopes of heaven is to have all God's people bridged - connected - reconciled and in proper relationship with their creator and one another.  Therefore I look for that here and now.  I offer to be that person who knows what is going on at the Lutheran soup kitchen and among teens in City Heights.  I am always game for a connection, because I never know how God will use it-- or how God might use me in it.

Asking the Right Questions

This article struck me as timely when it popped into my inbox this afternoon.  Last night, as I spoke with some friends doing ministry in our neighborhood, we were talking about Bob Lupton and others who so gently and wisely re-direct well-intentioned service by people who actually hurt communities they are trying to help.

Don't get me wrong-- I am less and less convinced that I know the "right way" to serve troubled communities.  A few years ago, I might have been fiery and self-righteous on the subject.  Now, I have some suggestions, but mostly a whole lot of stories and unresolved questions.

Which brings me back to why I liked this article.  In it, Lupton poses questions that prompt critical thinking about the how and why of church service projects.  I hope and pray that more churches are willing to put more thought into the means and ends of their service, so that mutual transformation could be a REAL thing-- bringing new life to churches and their communities.

Vision Enhanced: Change the Posture of the Church

I am compelled to change the posture of the Church 

to reflect God's power to overcome barriers and isolation

with the whole Gospel.

This could easily have made for 3 separate entries!  The problem was in separating the phrases, which, it turns out, must be linked together.  Here, we're getting to the heart of things.  I'll actually work through it in reverse.

Numerous scholars and writers have critiqued the Church's tendency to "slice and dice" the Gospel into pieces that are easier to digest-- or at least that work well for them.  Such picking and choosing causes myopia and distortion.  Some simple examples can be seen at both ends of the spectrum of faith vs. works, social justice vs. personal piety, being 'relevant' vs. living separated from culture.  Most often, the challenge of the Gospel is not to opt for one or the other, but to faithfully tackle both.  (For more on the "both/ and" of the holistic Gospel, see this piece I wrote about a year ago.)

Almost any church I work with (and almost any day in my personal life, for that matter) needs to compensate for its natural gravitation away from the whole shebang of the Good News.  Because without it, the Church cannot live into the promise of Ephesians 2:14-16.  "For Jesus himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility... His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility."

This is one of the chief reasons Urban Mosaic exists.  I look around the city and I see plenty of well-meaning Christians.  Yet, I see them working in isolation, in fear, in mistrust, surrounded by dividing walls.  I see churches isolated from other churches and from their neighbors.  Their own members are divided by language, age, and economic class.  This is not the whole Gospel!  Preaching on Sundays, or effective outreach, or great small groups, or powerful prayer ministry does not make up for falling short of the full expression of that new humanity that Jesus created.

Therefore the posture of the Church must change.  It must be humble.  Sacrificial.  Listening.  Aware.  Ready to be broken and shared among the hurting people of this city and this world.  Freed of its hostility.  Prepared as an earthen vessel, fragile yet fill-able.

Let's be practical for a moment: it happens in small steps.  Don't take me as a wild revolutionary-- I appreciate that this is no quick fix.  It is beyond difficult to live into God's desire for reconciliation.  What we as a team ask, encourage, coach and model is a life that kneels, knocks, seeks, and asks for the way forward.  Not charging ahead alone, but sitting at the table with others with whom we are called to journey.  Even when it's uncomfortable.  Even when they're being silly or petty or downright difficult.  That's what we believe Jesus did.  That's what he seemed to dream for his Church.

His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility.